Children become bullets.

Red Five, over & out

I guess I haven’t written anything here in a while; because well, nothing much has been happening.  Nothing until last Saturday morning, when I think I almost died on a frozen highway.  I say “think” because I wasn’t even injured, but when I look at the pictures of the car and go over the thing in my head, I shouldn’t have walked away from that.  Yes, I was wearing a seatbelt, and driving a very safe boxy SUV – but I flew off the interstate sideways at almost 70 miles per hour!

I was on my way to work at 4:45 am.  There had been a thin blanket of snowfall that morning, but as far as I could tell the roads were not slick.  Trucks were trucking at their usual speed and there’s not a whole lot of traffic predawn on a weekend anyway.  So I was driving my usual speed (65-70) to get myself to work on time.  I’m not stupid, and I’m not a bad driver.  I’m not one to risk my safety for a shit job counting groceries.  I was driving along a perfectly straight stretch of highway, singing along to “Looter’s Follies” by Destroyer.  A very calm, swaying song – the kind of music that can make you forget that you had to get up that early to work a stupid job on a Saturday.  And then I was going sideways.  I knew what was about to happen. I used to black out when things like this happened, but not this time.  I was aware, and I remember every moment.  As I veered from the right lane into the left and tried to turn into the spin, something in me was instantly resolved to the impending chaos.  It wasn’t a ‘life before my eyes’ kind of thing, because I also knew I wasn’t going to die.  I don’t think I even thought it was going to hurt, just that it was going to be messy.  As the music played, I said “OH SHIT” several times but had the presence of mind to relax my body and duck my head.  I knew I’d be rolling over, and I can remember the silent half-second while the Jeep was upside down inches above the snow covered median.  At that point I had my eyes closed, so it was “crunch-crunch-crash…. buzzzzzzzzzz”.  That sound of a 15 year old car telling you that your keys are in the ignition but your door’s open.

I had turned over once and landed right side up, in what I’m thinking was sort of a funnel-shaped spin, the brunt of the impact on the front left corner of the hood and driver’s side roof.  It caved in pretty good, so much so that I had to climb out the passenger side.  I had slid/rolled to the edge of the opposite side of the highway, a couple of feet from oncoming traffic.  The body of the whole thing was twisted – totaled.  There was stuff everywhere.  I think something from the backseat may have hit me in the head, but other than a little soreness and a bruised shin I was not hurt. No other cars or objects were involved.  Maybe that’s what saved me.  Maybe it was the seatbelt.  Maybe it was my amazing ability to go limp and lower my head to avoid a good spine crushing.

Maybe I’m just supposed to stick around a while.  I think I should be feeling some sort of epiphany from this, some kind of life-affirmation or something.  I am happy to be alive, but I’ve never really taken that for granted.  I don’t believe in any gods, and this won’t make me start.  I don’t know if it means anything at all, or maybe it just hasn’t sunk in yet.  Maybe it was just a car crash.  But it was a mighty fine one.